I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Randomize
