i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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