Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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