At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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