When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
