when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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