420 ftw
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Randomize
