just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
