There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Randomize
