Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
You pole danced in your parka.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
