i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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