every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
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