I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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