my cup is half full, half full of rum.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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