I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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