well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Randomize
