I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
