The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
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