I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
