2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
She told me I should be a condom model.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
