Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
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