All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
I wish there were birth control emojis
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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