I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
