my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Randomize
