Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize