dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Randomize
