Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Randomize
