the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
