"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
no. you can't hotbox the world.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Randomize
