I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize
