I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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