I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Randomize
