Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I just gargled with NyQuil
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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