this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Randomize
