sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Randomize
