i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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