we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
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