so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Randomize
