theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
