remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
