awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
