i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
