My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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