Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
