the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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