Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
