Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
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