Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
