i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
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