i would punch a child for taco bell
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
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