I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
